Poor Narwhal Never Saw It Coming


Poor Narwhal Never Saw It Coming. Earlier today at ICMUT( institute of chubby mammals with unicorn thingies) a crazed man wearing a Panda jumpsuit ran passed security then leaped into the air executing a flawless “Triple Lindy” with a reverse “Howda Ya Do”, landing in a relaxed straddle position on the unassuming Narwhal sunbathing. When asked way he didn’t stop the man the security guard said: “I didn’t think Pandas could run that fast without wobbling and turfing it. ” After Years of counseling and harnessing the power of positive affirmation (“tea bags are my friend. They make yummy drinks”) Narley as his friends would call him, was seen recently happily working at a Churrascaria in NYC. Seemingly happy and well adjusted from the ordeal from years past. Words to steer away from though to avoid twitching and other flailing about when conversing with Narley are: straddle, cattle, rattle, and for some reason Fennel. ( idk lol). Picture from: http://lisanelsonnd.com/Per2/Arctic%20Animals/narwhal.html


The Magic Rain Chairs

Starbucks on Astor Pl. Roof is leaking. The only two free seats that happen to be postioned under a major leak have had many takers. Alas no one has been able to tame the bewitched Rain chairs(or move them anywhere else). Beverage laden tourists walk up to the chairs, setup shop. Making a temporary beverage shelter for them and their clan.They make it their own by splaying out carefully all the newly garnered Starbucks provisions. Giving a visual sign to all, “this space is taken. Keep to the coffee trail, Keep moving.” all the others that paid their dues at the Rain Chairs now somberly stare at the ground in unifying silence while the unassuming coffee gazelle’s hunches are ripped out from under them.

Life’s brutal lessons continue like they have for countless coffee millennia (in coffee years about 4 hours). Next life altering challenge; Get on line and wait for the restroom. Open the door to the restroom without touching the door. Pay homage to the ceramic shrine, using as many of the rooms vast amenities( minus the nicly tagged baby station) as possible. Without putting down my shetland pony sized Kmart bag (can be done). Wish me luck.

Sushi Nightmare

I had a nightmare about sushi last night. It involved a Ginger wasabi monster. The creature thought it was necessary to chase me down 10th street in the “The Village”, throwing kung-fo stars of sharpened soy sauce packets (idk how monster boy sharpened them its a dream lol). I was only able to get away by hurling open packets of amazing fresh smelling, pre-moistened wipes at it. It herkt and jerked and throughly disliked them to death. As it withered the beast screamed its death cry of (in japanese mind you); “Aww Fudge!!”. Which is a big deal in Japanese food monster circles, because they really don’t have a big sweet tooth. Sure they have big teeth thats not even disputable. Sure they could rip the ass out of passing bullet train or bus. All I’m saying is that when they come knocking on your door to go springy springy on your mortal coil they won’t be doing it licking a lolly. They just don’t roll like that. I woke in a sweat from this bad bad dream, hungry for sushi baby. Bring it monster!

Monster weapon? Maybe.

Sushi and the Bad Chee (Qi)

Went to NYC for some wandering and a little photograhy. While walking around I developed a strong desire for sushi. I was in the village near Astor Place, which these days is a cornucopia of Japanese resturants and sake bars. I took my phone out and thought I try my new app called Yelp. Should have called the app welts, On account thats what my taste buds felt like they had after eating there. According to the app it had high marks from other devotees of the app. I walked in the empty restaurant (first hint to run) and was greeted by frowning stares from all that worked there (second hint). I looked down to see if my fly or shoelaces had given up the ghost, but all was well in my little fashon world. I sat down at the sushi bar. I then put my Dale Carnegie reading to the test. Using my best people skills I wowed the three Designated sushi makers with warm hello. The glaze over the three pairs of eyes that stared back at me seemed unaffected by my greeting. I should have stuck with the Michelin app

I can’t eat it. The word I’m looking for to describe it rhymes with Ducks, and that’s exactly what I should have done. Just like the school kids in the fifties. Do you remember the nuclear propaganda commercial called “Duck and Cover”? When it came to this place I should have Ducked, Covered, and rolled on down the road.. I learned a big lesson. When people from the wait staff to the sushi chefs who actually make your food, glare at you like you just stole their little sister’s soul; the sushi ain’t gonna be grand.

Dessert, a glass of plum wine. It was the only thing else I liked, that wasn’t tainted by the bad mojo the chefs were garnishing the sushi with.

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