Sweet Choice

Practicing my chef mind control at my favorite coffee house today. Happy coffee goers step up, pickup, and wrangle their chosen beverage’s packet of sweetness. I mentally scream at them; “Hot Sauce !!! Use the Hot Sauce!!! You know you want the hot sauce! Just do it!!, dooooo it ! I chuckle to myself being silly and spill some frozen hot chocolate. Right on my dangly toed, flip flopped foot. I’m sure somewhere in the world this a fertility sign of and a good omen, but I’m not feeling it just yet. No one has opted for the “Libation Revelation”. It’s hard to believe I know. I need to regroup and work on my chef super powers.

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Green things to come

(Marc sings in twangy monotone) These Plants were made for walking, and walking is what they’re gonna do. Mmmm, ok the can’t walk. Not yet anyway. Give monsanto and Nike time. They’ll deliver. One day you after your long long wait ,your dreams will come true. What you most needed will be realized. The Tomato Cross trainer will be here. The saying “You have a green thumb ” will turned on it’s head. They’ll use flashy marketing to win over the Organic Green hold outs. Ads like “Hey your feet smell like a yummy blue cheese salad, Wow!” or; “Hempa What?”

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Canning Soup and Sauces and Needing Sleep.

Canning very late at night. and everyone is sleeping. I’m cleaning and sanitizing jars for canning. I’m tired and a bit goofier then usual, but happy about my endeavors. Doesn’t the term canning sound a bit off? Weren’t there jars before there were cans? Shouldn’t we call it jarring and not canning? Why is Jarring connected to a definition having nothing to do with putting something into something else?
Jarring example; While at the theme park, the lady in the bumper car next to me does a crazy Ivan, steering erratically into the wall. Causing her to exclaim before her head trauma kicked in, rendering her a slumped lump in the bottom of the bumper car; ” My that was quite Jarring!” I think (no he doesn’t) we should retake the word jarring and return to its proper glory of representing the art of preserving  foods in glass jars. Sure there will be a vacuum left behind from the repurposing of the word, but hey there are plenty of other words not pulling their weight.  I’m sorry thats just the way it is. Words like “traumatic” are just going to have to suck it up and fill the linguistic void. No free rides people. We live in a new world where words, numbers and sheep are going to have to learn new skill sets,  being used in other areas of daily life. I know what your thinking. Chef Marc what other jobs can these workers fill? I say this; mine!! I need a vacation bad! To anywhere! Someone for the love of cheese send vast amounts of money. So the words, numbers, sheep and me can get some over due rest and relaxation. Just the other day I caught the sheep making a shank out of a sweater, while staring menacingly at the Numbers(who is running numbers). Words has developed a stutter and is now in a 90 day self help program in communications. Have pity, send piles of cash asap. lol

Ice cream and the Glandular avanger

While eating ice cream in my truck at my supermarket’s parking lot at 12:30am I discovered two things. One is I’m out of ice cream, and Two eating ice cream while suffering from the infliction of Good Mood-a-lack-a-tidis seems to a popular pastime with us humans . It’s when having a good day, that others seem driven by a primal directive to derail your good day. Almost like a mood mosquito looking to suck the joy right out of your hide. Periodically releasing anti-joy particles back into you stream. Causing you to become the Mood Grinch as well. Being bombarded daily over and over by these morale busting elements of Life, it’s Easier to see way things like ice cream and candy etc. are flocked to by droves of formally happy and now maligned masses.
I think this quelling by ice cream goes back to hospitals. When we are Kids having our medically deemed unworthy glands removed. The powers that be are swift to replace or at lest try to make us forget our troubles with ice cream. Neatly placing it in placid colored bowls. On color coordinated plastic trays. Always for some reason near bedpans (maybe a sundae boat psych out?) . As kids we are programmed that ice cream will fix our pain and relieve stress. The hospitals emphatically reenforce this notion by giving us as kids the moogical, magical stress reliving concoction. Later in life maybe we find ourselves more readily able to reach for ice cream, candy and all other manor of conceived desserts both legal and otherwise. Even if the initial thought was to temporarily escape.
How does one combat assaults on ones internal happiness? You could hit them squarely on their jaw with a Fisher Price hammer. This is not the answer my friends. Either is rubbing honey on said offenders coffee mug and bussing in agitated, honey crazed bears. You may think this is the way to a warm fuzzy feeling of retribution. It’s not. I’t’s just the bears standing too close and breathing on you . What’s the answer then? Is it Forgiveness? Is it Retaliation or maybe better Communication skills? I don’t know. I just finished my ice cream. I’m going home to sleep on it. If you know the answer share it.

What is It? Take a guess.

Take a shot. See if you can guess what this is. Do you eat it? Do you drink it? Do you leave it in a burning paper bag on the doorstep of your often barefooted Culinary Archenemies? Who knows Maybe even plant them. With help from a sherpa you could then climb the colossal stalk to the Giants kitchen. Where a golden truffle the size of a crouching Yeti awaits it’s liberation. I’ll post the answer after some he readers have had a chance to ponder this query.

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A breakthrough for human kind

I thought Wednesday was hot in my kitchen. I was mistaken. It was so humid and hot this past Friday that I believe I have achieved a milestone in furthering our species down the illustrious road of evolution. Because of the heat and the humidity I have successfully welded my buttocks together forming the next phase Of Human development, or what I would call operation “Uni-Tush”.
Think of it as the body moding for next generation. Its sure to be all the rage with the hip kids. Sure you’ll have to be richer than a 2009 BP stock dividend recipient and absolutely need a 24 hour nurse, but hey! I bet you’ll swim like Flipper, or a distant cousin of Aquaman.
I’m sure it’s also true that you won’t be able to ride a bike successfully anymore. On account you’ll’ ‘most likely fall off asper your mono-cheek status. Thus also making snow angels and Jumping jacks a fleeting pastime.
Anywhozille, Moral of my story? It was crazy, sticky, hot up in my Kizzie (kitchen) today and I’m pretty sure I might have irrevocably hurt my brain from lack of life giving fluids some how.

tune in friday when, marc ponders; where the shoe laces went on his chef clogs, and other well hydrated brain teasers .

We return you to your previously scheduled Facebook interlude.

iSpud 4 Is Here!

The iSpud 4 is here!!!! Over a hundred amazing Features. Such as; Improved Wireless Wifry, and extended range buttertooth. It’s evolutionary in design and ergonomics. You put one of these babies in your hand and you just intuitively want to put it to your ear and start talking . Our extensive testing on Gnomes has showed on performance the iSpud 4 has 100% distortion free listening, with absolutely Zero dropped calls. The iSpud 4 Comes in four sizzling colors; white, brownish, and red, and also purple( Purple only available in Hawaii). Sports fresh Eco-friendly design with gmo enhanced protective skin. Compatible with all protein and ketchup powered peripherals. Look for it in your produce section. Along with our other life altering products. Such as; The very popular iCabbage, and the recently recalled, modified,rebranded and re-sold “Roto-corn” (mon-saint-oh/car-gill’s joint venture). A big favorite of soon to be extinct farmers everywhere.