The Magic Rain Chairs

Starbucks on Astor Pl. Roof is leaking. The only two free seats that happen to be postioned under a major leak have had many takers. Alas no one has been able to tame the bewitched Rain chairs(or move them anywhere else). Beverage laden tourists walk up to the chairs, setup shop. Making a temporary beverage shelter for them and their clan.They make it their own by splaying out carefully all the newly garnered Starbucks provisions. Giving a visual sign to all, “this space is taken. Keep to the coffee trail, Keep moving.” all the others that paid their dues at the Rain Chairs now somberly stare at the ground in unifying silence while the unassuming coffee gazelle’s hunches are ripped out from under them.

Life’s brutal lessons continue like they have for countless coffee millennia (in coffee years about 4 hours). Next life altering challenge; Get on line and wait for the restroom. Open the door to the restroom without touching the door. Pay homage to the ceramic shrine, using as many of the rooms vast amenities( minus the nicly tagged baby station) as possible. Without putting down my shetland pony sized Kmart bag (can be done). Wish me luck.

Go Yeast Young Man (making pizza with homemade yeast)

I wanted to make my daughter a slammin pizza today by using gleefully ripe Plum tomatoes from our own garden. After close inspection of all food, spices and other worldly cooking stuffs worthy of pizzadom, I realized to my dismay I didn’t have yeast for “Operation Make-a-da- Pizza”. I thought; “Do you really want to go out to the megamart for yeast?” I decided to see if I’ve got the grapes for the job. and headed outside to pick a bowls worth of grapes growing on our property. I had hopes of making enough yeast with the grapes to make a killer pizza. First thing done with the grapes was to make sure they weren’t any nasty bits or fruit sporting any kind of hidden bug co-ops, lurking in with the other grapes . Grapes were then put into a stainless steel bowl with about three cups of 107 degree filtered water. A pinch of sugar was added as an insurance and snack for the beautiful little beasties to partake of . After that he whole lot was gracefully placed atop of my modified/pimped cup warmer that I enjoy using for keeping my tea nice and warm as I do super duper important stuff around the house. I put enough Insulation around the heating plate to allow just enough surface area to touch the bowl and keep it warm but not too warm. You want it to be warm enough to let the yeast love fest to Begin the Beguine, but not too much. If the water is too hot the yeast will stop growing and could very well take that big trip the leavening here-after. Depending on where you get you information it’s generally believed that over a 120 degrees will cause your yeast to play dead for real.

I think body temperature to about 110 degrees fahrenheit is a good place to be on the yeast love boat.
I’ll let you know how it goes.

Pinky Swear!!!

From time to time I’ve had hardened criminals working at my pot sink and at other duties. I remember asking a one of them a question. Getting the answer from them. Then me telling them with a voice of authority, “Pinky Swear”. They replyed; Wut!!. I said; Ya heard me. Pinky Swear Bi+ch! The spider web covered, teary eye inked gentleman gleared a look back at me with sun furrowed face and eyes. Apparently in squinty stare down chef mode. I look dead pan right back at him.

A long Elevator music pause ensued as we looked at each other, minus the music. He tilted his head to the left, like a confused dog listening to everyone on that side of the planet. Then just before I wrenched a butt cheek I had been clenching, he roared with laughter. Casting out with great force from his lungs what could been his first cigarette smoked at the age of two. The Potwasher shaked, flailed and wheezed in another full breath of air just to bellow it out in thunderous laughter again. His Laughter sounded like a monk chanting deep, powerful resonating tones. Affecting in a postivetive mannor all things it came in contact with. Then, I laughed and said” whadda laughing at?”, as I passed by him with a wink and a chuckle. The End

For Those About To Can We Salute You!

For those who would like to can, read on and check the link.

Wasting food or throwing out just because we have too much to store in our refrigerators limited space isn’t a good enough excuse anymore. We live in times where the words Abundance and Plenty could easily change to words like Starving, or Hungry. Until the day when Apple rolls out iPreserver or Sony knocks the baby booties of the Cannerbot 2000 we may want to think about maybe getting back to something that people did in a big way years ago, like canning/preserving food It’s lo-tech but its still sexy Baby. It’s canning your own leftovers, your bumper crop of veggies, or even the two tons of chili you and your local firehouse/book club pal’s made. It doesn’t really matter what is for the most part. If you can put it in your mouth and eat it chances are good you can preserve it by canning. Even if you can’t operated the remote to your mega-tainment center, you can still can food. It is that simple friends.

I would suggest that you make it into an event. Invite your favorite foodie friends/family members over and cook up a storm. What ever you love. Try it. If you don’t like try again with something else. You have nothing to lose. you would have thrown out something anyway.

Think about this; You can save mounds of money doing it and have crazy good food to eat anytime you want for up to two years. You could think about in another way. If you don’t at lest try, and something tragic happens to your home town like it did Japan and other places where humans have the habit of eating food, what are going to tell your almost lifeless kid or mom? Sorry I didn’t have the couple of hours a week to invest in your life, I was farming online/I was getting chips and beer for the game etc. Your life is more than a direct deposit and a magnetic swipe. Take ownership of it.

Sweet Choice

Practicing my chef mind control at my favorite coffee house today. Happy coffee goers step up, pickup, and wrangle their chosen beverage’s packet of sweetness. I mentally scream at them; “Hot Sauce !!! Use the Hot Sauce!!! You know you want the hot sauce! Just do it!!, dooooo it ! I chuckle to myself being silly and spill some frozen hot chocolate. Right on my dangly toed, flip flopped foot. I’m sure somewhere in the world this a fertility sign of and a good omen, but I’m not feeling it just yet. No one has opted for the “Libation Revelation”. It’s hard to believe I know. I need to regroup and work on my chef super powers.

If you haven’t already, check out my site

Green things to come

(Marc sings in twangy monotone) These Plants were made for walking, and walking is what they’re gonna do. Mmmm, ok the can’t walk. Not yet anyway. Give monsanto and Nike time. They’ll deliver. One day you after your long long wait ,your dreams will come true. What you most needed will be realized. The Tomato Cross trainer will be here. The saying “You have a green thumb ” will turned on it’s head. They’ll use flashy marketing to win over the Organic Green hold outs. Ads like “Hey your feet smell like a yummy blue cheese salad, Wow!” or; “Hempa What?”

If you haven’t already, check out my site

Canning Soup and Sauces and Needing Sleep.

Canning very late at night. and everyone is sleeping. I’m cleaning and sanitizing jars for canning. I’m tired and a bit goofier then usual, but happy about my endeavors. Doesn’t the term canning sound a bit off? Weren’t there jars before there were cans? Shouldn’t we call it jarring and not canning? Why is Jarring connected to a definition having nothing to do with putting something into something else?
Jarring example; While at the theme park, the lady in the bumper car next to me does a crazy Ivan, steering erratically into the wall. Causing her to exclaim before her head trauma kicked in, rendering her a slumped lump in the bottom of the bumper car; ” My that was quite Jarring!” I think (no he doesn’t) we should retake the word jarring and return to its proper glory of representing the art of preserving  foods in glass jars. Sure there will be a vacuum left behind from the repurposing of the word, but hey there are plenty of other words not pulling their weight.  I’m sorry thats just the way it is. Words like “traumatic” are just going to have to suck it up and fill the linguistic void. No free rides people. We live in a new world where words, numbers and sheep are going to have to learn new skill sets,  being used in other areas of daily life. I know what your thinking. Chef Marc what other jobs can these workers fill? I say this; mine!! I need a vacation bad! To anywhere! Someone for the love of cheese send vast amounts of money. So the words, numbers, sheep and me can get some over due rest and relaxation. Just the other day I caught the sheep making a shank out of a sweater, while staring menacingly at the Numbers(who is running numbers). Words has developed a stutter and is now in a 90 day self help program in communications. Have pity, send piles of cash asap. lol